"I Despise Writing"

     I despise writing. Oh how the times have changed. I'm truly a child of technology. I hate writing in the sense of actually sitting down at a desk, pen in hand, pristine paper open to ideas. I love the process of writing- the translation of fantasies and imaginative tales into words for others to browse through. But, I need to type. I cannot write. Writing is so cumbersome; ink smudges and muscle cramps merely the minor worries. Moving a pen across paper just can't convey quickly enough my flowing thoughts.
      For one like me who so loves the effortless nature of computers, it is entirely understandable how I can also despise typewriters. Oh sure, your hand muscles won’t cramp and your fingers won’t turn black from stains, but typewriters are far from easy to write with. The paper must be inserted, then shoved back to the left after every sentence, and if aligned wrong a crooked novel will result. The keys are so large and require so much effort to press down upon, that there is no need for “proper” typing form because it doesn’t provide the leverage necessary to pound out a character. All in all, it can be said that typewriters can be praised for their minor advancement away from grimy pens, but not much else in the way of uncomplicated machines.
      I never learned how to "properly" type- left fingers lying at the ready on the a, s, d, and f keys while the right ones eagerly tap the j, k, l, and semicolon in anticipation. I remember third grade, staring at the ridiculous bearded old man sporting sunglasses in a racing car who was supposed to teach us how to type “quickly and efficiently”. I never understood how computer program creators thought a queer man was an appropriate mascot for a typing instruction program. I progressed in my own way, slowly figuring out which fingers could reach which keys easier. I can proudly announce that I am no longer a "chicken-pecker" typer, but a full-fledged woodpecker!
      There's something so calming about the clacking sound of computer keys, or laptop keys in my case. It's so satisfying to know I'm working the left side of my brain, using the creative juices that normally sit and stew. Pen-and-paper writing offers no such comforting resonance. Unless you count the constant crumpling of undesired ideas. That's another great advantage to typing- the deletion of worthless thoughts is quiet and painless. The delete button is easy to press and doesn't antagonize you further like the effort needed to chuck non-aerodynamic paper into a waste bin too far away.
      Paper is also so... annoying. It crumples. It crinkles. It has holes in it. It has lines on it! I have to worry about confining my letters to the predefined margins. Typing is streamlined, simple. I don't have to worry about staying within margins because the computer does it for me. As opposed to the messy business of pens. Nothing against pens of course, I adore them compared to pencils, but they are such grubby utensils. Burst pen- that’s the utmost worst! The ink spews everywhere and there’s nothing to be done but wait for it to finish, because any attempt at stemming the flow squeezes more ink out instead.
      Laptops are also more trustworthy. I can trust a laptop to save my thoughts for later, whereas I can't trust paper to not fly off or get attached to say, a math packet, get turned in to the wrong teacher, and be lost forever in a sea of algebra and trigonometry. All my miscellaneous stories are compiled into mathematical sentences and compressed onto my hard drive. Sounds highly difficult to sort through, but the digitized magnifying glass easily plucks one particular story from the mounds. A binder or dare I say a folder, is no where near as organized. First of all binders are chunky, inconvenient forms of storing any information. Not to mention they aren’t particularly durable. Laptops are efficient in every sense of the word.
      Given the choice, I would prefer to type on my tiny, touchscreen phone than clench my fingers about a pen, though it is a workout for my thumbs, and is probably no faster than hand writing. But I can’t help it. There is just something indescribably alluring about technology. It’s effortless, sophisticated, and so 2012.